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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067984">Lie to Survive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aam5ever/pseuds/aam5ever'>aam5ever</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Cigarettes, Drowning, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Just Mentions Really - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Minor Original Character(s), Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, These tags make it feel like this fic is so much</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:36:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,848</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aam5ever/pseuds/aam5ever</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus couldn't focus. He was a college student that was already tired and worn, but worst of all, focusing was just hard to come by. Everything he did came back to that simple fact... </p>
<p>...and it was all because of one bridge.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lie to Survive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! This is a College AU fic and I barely write these but! I've fallen in love with one (1) character so, take this angst. Enjoy!</p>
<p>(Requests for fics are open and appreciated!)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s become so hard to focus in college. When Janus was younger, he could sit in front of a book for hours or pay attention diligently in class. Sneaking out to watch an R-Rated movie didn’t come with fidgeting and checking his watch, and even simply doing homework was two straight hours of work, no breaks. He preferred it that way, but now he had no choice as he fiddled with his glove, jiggled his leg waiting for class to be over, and needed multiple breaks during studying. It was all so, very frustrating.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No. No, not frustrating at all. You’re going to be fine, Janus. You’re going to be just fine, and as long as you keep saying it, it’ll be true. One day. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He claimed to have no idea why he was like this. Janus had been asked why he couldn’t just sit and focus, and it was always him shrugging it off and saying it had always been like this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was a lie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His therapist told him it was the accident that caused it. All those years ago, being fished out of the water felt like the worst thing in his life. Being barely conscious with lungs burning and skin running a hot fever, not sure whether he’d live or die... now, he’d call it just a touch dramatic of him. Say it was no big deal. </span>
  <em>
    <span>People almost drown all the time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>If he said it to himself enough, he could believe it. Trauma was trauma, but to him, his own could be stuffed down and sat on until those late night memories surfaced in unfavorable ways.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>After that, he thought it was the aftercare that was the worst; that drive in the ambulance, being fussed for? Nothing about that felt helpful. In the crossfire of words and shouts and “You’re going to be okay”s and “Just breathe”s, it’s like he was barely there. He didn’t even react when they realized the water pressure had affected his eardrum to the point of him possibly needing a hearing aid. The paramedics had been talking to him, but were they really? Janus had been a ghost to his own health and attention. His body was there, staying as conscious as it could, breathing when told and coughing up water and going through all of those tests in the hospital, but his mind just was nowhere to be found. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His therapist called that dissociation. He’d rather think of it as a shitty couple of days. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Maybe the worst of it actually came with the news he finally received in the hospital. All that time, nobody would give him a straight answer.</span>
  <em>
    <span> “Where’s my father?” “Have you seen my mother?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was all met with silence. With </span>
  <em>
    <span>lies</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Everybody said they were in intensive care, but stable. They told him he’ll be able to visit once his treatment was in better condition, even. That lie always felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>cruel. There was such a thick level in their sadness in their faces when they said it, and... fear. Fear of what would happen when Janus put two and two together. Eventually, he realized it was because they knew something he didn’t, and he couldn’t take it anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Will </span>
  </em>
  <span>anybody </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell me where my fucking parents are!?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the question that finally got one of the doctors to talk. When that doctor realized none of the nurses or other doctors were going to say it, he did. He told him the truth, the cold, bitter, absolute truth of that crash. There was no holding back to it. He told him that they couldn’t save Mr. and Mrs. Anwir from the river, despite their multiple attempts. That they died. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Died. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not passed away, or were gone... nothing as flowery or soft as that. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Just. Died. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Nobody else had had the heart to tell him, and the same doctor expressed how it wasn’t fair to Janus that he had to be kept in the dark just to make sure he didn’t go unstable during his recovery. There was silence from Janus’ end through all of that, because what could he say? What could he say in response to him being the sole survivor of that? So he... didn’t say anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, Janus had a panic attack on the spot. Maybe the truth wasn’t what he wanted. No... no, what he had wanted was a comforting lie... but it had been too late at that point. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He still couldn’t focus. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The answer to why was simple. Stupid, yet simple: the school had a bridge. It was just a simple walkway bridge, nothing close to something big enough to hold a car on like the one from the past had been. You’d think he’d have more of a thing with cars, but he could drive his just fine. Even so, it was a bridge that </span>
  <em>
    <span>claimed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be sturdy and hung over a body of water.Apparently, that was all it needed to trigger his fear. Don’t get him wrong,  Janus could swim; he could swim </span>
  <em>
    <span>poorly</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he could still swim. That wasn’t the problem here. He wasn’t afraid of falling in. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He was afraid of the water filling his lungs and finishing the job, no matter how much he tried to surface. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Drowning wasn’t uncommon in his life. He drowned in middle and elementary school teasing; “Snake Skin”, “Jan-Hiss”, and all of the other schoolyard insults filled the air before he could defend himself. His parents would always be coming to the principal’s office to make complaints about Janus coming home in tears, or even worse, roughed up from those schoolyard insults actually earning some sharp-tongued lip back at the bullies. Eventually, to not make a fuss, he kept it in. The insults came and went, and his special skin condition went from a novelty to make fun of to even something... cool, in high school. “Snake Skin” was an easy nickname to keep, but “Pines” was what he got called most of the time. To one of his friends, his skin felt more like pine needles. It was... inaccurate, but as with most stupid high school nicknames, it stuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the crash, he drowned himself in bad decisions. It was on purpose and his decision alone, so he can’t even pity himself about it. His therapist called it a cry for help. He told himself that it was all just a way to pass the time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>As long as he kept saying it... it’ll be... true. Right? </span>
  </em>
  <span>All of those stupid misdemeanors and one night stays in the police station... his grandfather couldn’t stand it at a point. There was more than one threat to ship him off to some other poor family member who could “handle him”. That had Janus straighten up and be a better grandson for a max of roughly a week before he went back stealing cigarettes, staying out past curfew, and getting that famous little fake ID that made him the all-of-a-sudden fan favorite of his delinquent friends back home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Very lovely that that little sudden favoritism followed him even to college. That made him feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>valued as more than just a means for booze. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He wished people would be less predictable, sometimes. There were moments when he’d conduct little experiments: Control Group A: Group of friends he tells close to everything to. That included people like Patton, Remy, Virgil... Control Group B: Friends he felt would elevate his status in college, help get him where he wanted to be. Chad fit that standard, along with all his other frat, sorority, and club president friends. Control Group C: People he formed strong study groups with. They knew the least about him, and he liked it that way. He wanted to see these varying levels of knowledge of himself, how they would, eventually, end up feeling about him. Sometimes, Control Group B faked enough praise for him to feel like they cared the most. Group A, most of the time, was attentive and listened, but he could feel the wariness around him, the uncertainty that came with the parts of himself he chose to hide or make blatantly obvious...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The worst days were when Control Group C seemed like the only ones that wanted anything to do with him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But this was all an aside. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Focus.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kicking nicotine and weaning himself off alcohol took some time, but by the time college’s second year rolled in, he could deal with it. He could manage turning down party invitations and not jumping at every chance to stick it to the man. No more breaking windows for him, even when he was angry, even when he wanted nothing more than to break a few rules. Sure, he still did in the small ways he could; getting caught selling notes and test answers was punishable by expulsion, but it just didn’t stop him. Nothing could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Except for one fucking bridge. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>People crossed it every day for years. Nothing about it was intimidating, just a shortcut so they wouldn’t be late to class. It was the necessary path to get to the dorms if he didn’t want to take the long way around. Unfortunately for him, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>took the long way around. Janus would start walking towards the bridge with a mantra in his head: </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. </span>
  </em>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>And then, </span>
  <em>
    <span>if I keep telling myself that, it’ll be true.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which is when he’d realize this is all no better than the lies those nurses and doctors told him. A panic would set in, he’d begin to sink and sink and drown in his mind... and take the long way around, gulping down air to make the feeling go away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t help to turn his hearing aid off when the sound of the pond’s lapping water would just play in his mind, building and building until it was a crashing wave over his head, pulling him down in that car, a prison he couldn’t escape from... and the worst part of it was how much it took up his thoughts. Every living moment, all he could do was count down to the next time he was going to cross campus from or to the dorms. All those times late to class or plain old not showing up? It was spent hiding in his room or somebody else’s dorm, pacing or making excuses not to go before either sucking it up or giving in to his selfish desires and going back to fucking bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>So no, Janus could not focus in college very easily. He couldn’t focus because there was a stupid bridge on campus, a sinking feeling in his stomach, and his scaly skin itched with a hot fever he may never be able to sweat out ever again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stared down the bridge now, the wind blowing his jacket, his body wanting to retreat all at once. It was just a bridge. </span>
  <em>
    <span>As long as I...</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Janus sighed and took the long way around. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tumblr: aam5ever<br/>Twitter: @aam5ever</p></blockquote></div></div>
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